After all the heavy rain and wind of the past few days, I feel so ready for Spring! When I think of Spring, I visualize the new growth of trees, grass, flowers - bursting forth! I see the tiny sparrow up on the steep peak of the garage next door, singing to his heart's content, on the sunny days, and miss him on the rainy ones.
I wonder...what makes that sparrow sing? Is there promise in the air? The joy of finding food more easily now that the heavy snow has melted away? The hope that he will find a mate, and continue his life - this life - as it's meant to be?
I also see beautiful cardinals in our yard - one day last week, so fortunate to see three bright red males chasing each other from pine tree to pine tree. Were they vying for a mate - the right to continue their species? I hear the cardinal calling, "birdie, birdie," his well-recognized call, as he, too, welcomes warmer weather and plentiful food. What beauty there is in hope - in joining in this great production - the re-creation, regrowth of all living things - Spring!
Once, when I was a teenager, walking along the beach in Spring Lake, NJ, my mom said she'd like to come back - after death - as a seagull. We all teased her that seagulls were scavengers - big, greedy bullies who swooped in for a greasy french fry on the boardwalk at Asbury Park. My mother would just smile serenely, for she always saw beauty in nature, and the wild creatures who live among us. In her own life, her alcoholism was an ugly, frightening thief who stole her hope, stirring up harsh realities and memories she tried so hard to forget. She tried to avoid succumbing to the spirits that numbed the pain, but also damped her hope, but with broken wings, she could not lift herself from her paralytic perch. I know she dreamed of soaring over her troubles - clean, whole, healthy and free - like the gulls gliding over us and the waves that sunny, warm day.
I've been struggling for a year, now, with the disappointment of a bad surgery and betrayal in same by someone I trusted. After a second surgery, I had hope, for a while, but, realize that what challenges I face now might be with me for the rest of my life. It took a pity party, some faith, loving friends and family a long time to be okay with it. I'm luckier than some people I know of who met the same "fate" and were more badly broken. I am striving to be a seagull in THIS life. What helps me soar in this journey of hope, when my wings - the courage and hope within - feel weak and unable to carry this burden of pain and immobility sometimes?
If you are reading this, then you might have helped me. Maybe you're my granddaughters who come to my house, when they are bored, and ask me if we can play "teacher" - a fun game of goofy lessons (they think they're just playing, but I use real subjects and methods to engage them ; ) that they enjoy. They take turns sitting at my old (70+) school desk, and I ask questions, then ask them to apply answers in art and writing formats that make them laugh, but I know that I am being useful and appreciated, again. I miss being a mover and shaker of small but appreciated value in the big corporations where I onced worked and a school where I taught. Now, my students live in the house behind me, and ask if they can help me around the house, or pick things up for me. My new "role" seems as secure as the old one...it is to love and be loved, and, in that, I am not only useful, I am blessed. I teach them, and they, in turn, have taught me patience and reassurance.
You might be my husband, sons, friends, pastor, editor, sister or brothers - all of whom wrote e mails to me, asking how I was feeling; also the same who received my many, many photos that I've taken since disability. I call my work "drive by photography" and enjoy the fact that - while I can't get around as well on my feet and pained low spine as I used to - I can still see, find and capture beauty in faces, nature, the recreation of others, and landscapes. I send them, then, in huge files, to anyone who has ever even hinted at appreciation of the imagesthat share my view of the world, through my lens and words I share with you.
I have always wanted to write about my mother, for she was a beautiful person with a brilliant mind and a writer's soul who couldn't ever change her course, rise above her troubles and seek higher ground.
So, this piece is to all of you who live and laugh with me, now, and an h-mail (heart mail) to my mother for she lives in my heart, always. In my faith-full heart, she IS a seagull - graceful and free - among the saints before us and our father in heaven. In my hope-full heart, I am stretching my wings to catch the breezes that lift and caress us all, so we, too, are part of the beauty of Spring and new beginnings - a beautiful view, for sure, from where I sit.
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